


All My Love Comes Down to You

by watcher_ofthe_sky



Series: Tumblr Requests 2020 [2]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dragonflies, F/M, Falling In Love, Gratsu - Freeform, Gratsu Week 2020, Gray's POV, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Symbolism, almost canon compliant, gruvia is mostly one sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25450972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watcher_ofthe_sky/pseuds/watcher_ofthe_sky
Summary: “The Dragonfly is iridescent both on its wings and body. It symbolises the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing doubts one cast on their own identity.”Something fell in his open palm and Gray looked down to see the tears slowly rolling down his face.I love him, he said to himself.Hurt and exhausted, he sank down on the floor, drawing his knees to his chest.Wiping the tears with the heels of his palms, he laughed tirelessly.Just from my heart, more than anything, I love him and that’s all I know.In which Gray learns to find forgiveness in the heartbreaks and let himself fly forward with love in his heart.
Relationships: Gray Fullbuster/Juvia Lockser, Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Series: Tumblr Requests 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802419
Comments: 29
Kudos: 48
Collections: Gratsu Week 2020





	All My Love Comes Down to You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsofmars (sun_fey)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sun_fey/gifts).



> Written for the prompts: "Why are you — saying all these things — " (gratsu; Natsu to Gray)  
> and Gratsu Week 2020 prompt: "That idiot! Running off on his own again." 
> 
> This author’s note is going to be a little long but bear me, please.
> 
> This was originally supposed to be three-sentence fic because the reason I opened the requests was to get back into writing. Evidently, that plan got thrown out in the trash and turned into a 13k instead. This fic isn’t going to be ‘the’ fic in the fandom nor for any of you. But it surely will be ‘the’ fic for me because it is the one which has taught me the process of writing. Drabbles are usually what I aim for but this fic has made me learn what an intricate work writing actually is and how much it gives and takes. I know in terms of the quality I can do better because there is always scope for improvement but this surely is one of the works which I will remember.
> 
> Coming to the fic, if you’re here for gruvia then I am sorry this isn’t your fic. One of the toughest things about this was writing a ‘nice’ Juvia. Well, relatively nice. Which is to say that this is not exactly *my* portrayal of Juvia rather what I felt fit for the fic. If you know me, you know my true feelings.
> 
> Originally an angst drabble, this story is now about falling in love but also realising that you were in love all along. Nothing new, just your usual take on these idiotic lovely boys.
> 
> Also, it is 2 am and I have not edited it properly so please forgive me.
> 
> Edit: Yeah, I have finally betaed the fic. Hope you'll enjoy. If you do find any mistakes, feel free to point out.

Gray stared at the spinning clothes in the dryer of the washing machine, the faint buzz of it silently vibrating in the house. He slowly shut his eyes, letting the images and voices in his mind swirl the same way.

It’s been a week since he had overheard the conversation which he wasn’t supposed to; a conversation which little did he know would turn his life upside down. As the words echoed in his mind, the tightness in his chest made it difficult to breathe.

The timer of the machine went off and he opened the lid to take out the clothes. They smelled of the new detergent Juvia had bought one day because apparently, it was ‘better’ since it gave off the smell of ice and coolness.

_“How do you even know what ‘ice’ smells like?” he had asked her._

_“Well…Juvia thought that since you possess ice magic, you would like this!” she had replied shyly._

_He had only sighed and tried to give a small smile._

Gray walked outside to the yard to hang the clothes on the clothesline. The sun shined brightly in the cloudless sky and he silently cursed the heat as sweat trickled down his neck. He still missed the shade of the abundant trees outside his old apartment which was located in the lesser populated region of the city.

It has been two months since he and Juvia moved in together. In his opinion, it was still too fast but Juvia had said that it will be the same as living together during the time when the guild was disbanded and they shared the space. He wanted to point out that things were different then but she had looked at him with the same devotion she always does and he conceded.

After all, he had resolved to himself that he would try everything he could to give her the happiness she readily gave to him.

He sat on the porch of their house and stared blankly at the clothes swaying with the breeze.

July has always been a peculiar month to Gray. Its sweltering heat came with these winds of storms that made the world look bigger; it was like a halfway chase from midsummer, the sun laughing and the notes of its voice imploding the sky into a thousand colours— always on the edge of becoming; while extending its hand to the rain and turning pools of light into puddles.

To him, July was raw and bare; the air swelling wet and sweet which made him want to rip open; let the words and worries dissolve into the grey of the skies where the blue and orange met.

He exhaled and shut his eyes, letting himself drowse in the buzzing of the cicadas nearby, the smell of the laundry filling the air.

Gray knew that a certain person knew what ice and cold smelled like.

_“Erza is going to skin us alive and it will be because of you, Ice Princess. Get your lazy ass working, we will be late otherwise,” Natsu said, entering his house._

_“I know, Squinty Eyes. I am trying to find my shir—wait, are you sniffing things in my house? What are you, a dog? Should I expect you peeing here too?”_

_“Dumbass, I have come here after a long time. It’s a natural thing to do. But all I smell here is the tasteless food you eat, sleep and ice.”_

_“Ice has a smell?”_

_Natsu snorted. “Of course. I can smell it on you in your scent.”_

_“Oh. Um, what else do you smell?”_

_“The usual. Snow, pine, fres—a stinking pile of garbage,” Natsu said hurriedly. “Yes, you smell exactly like a frozen trash can,” he gestured while making gagging noises._

_“You, Ash for Brains—” Gray said and chased after him as the Dragon Slayer ran around his house._

_Tired, tangled in the mess of their limbs on the floor, Gray grinned as he finally pinned down Natsu and found his most ticklish part. The sound of their laughter had echoed in the room and Gray felt light. Natsu was a solid weight beneath him, warm and comfortable._

_“Hey—” Natsu said through his giggles, “That’s cheating—”_

_“BOYS!” a heavy voice made them jump and they hurried off outside, praying for their safety._

_“I will get back at you for this,” The Dragon Slayer challenged with a smile._

_“Bring it,” Gray smirked._

Theirs banters and punches have toned down in the present, and most of it has to do with the fact that Natsu was no longer present in the guildhall to fight with. He would take month-long missions, only to come back for a week or so and then disappear again.

Now that Gray thought about it, trying to connect the dots with this newfound information he has, he can understand why the dragon slayer did that.

And all of this crushed Gray more because he now knew that he himself was the reason of this gnawing wrongness he had felt when the fight from his best friend was gone.

Because to them, their bickering and brawling have always been a major part of their relationship; their dynamic was built on this familiarity of their rivalry which did not veil any hostility but only a deep-rooted friendship. This was their outlet to show it. Now, it was gone.

Gray was both angry at himself and Natsu for doing this. For letting this happen.

His mind flashed to their last real fight between them where the words thrown were vicious, the scuffle almost inimical; their attacks carrying the animosity that was very rare between them. At last, Gray had landed a punch on his face, expecting Natsu to retaliate.

Except the dragon slayer looked at him, an emotion Gray couldn’t recognise flickered in his eyes, and before the ice mage could think more about it, Natsu looked blankly at him and then pushing himself on his feet he walked away, murmuring an apology.

Gray stared at him, his insides recoiling in disgust, defeat and _fear_.

They never brought up that fight again because the next day Natsu came as cheerful as ever, laughing and being loud and teasing Gray. He challenged him for a match and just for that moment, the pit in Gray’s stomach stopped aching and he plunged at the dragon slayer, letting their fists solve their clusterfuck.

But he still remembered the shadows looming in Natsu’s eyes and the hollowness of his smile. He had never felt so foreign and so distant before.

That evening, the fire mage took a 2-week long job and went away, setting a precedent for the months that would follow.

Their team didn’t disband. Erza’s fury wouldn’t let that ever happen. They would still go on missions together and the Fire Mage would join whenever he could, although that wasn’t very often. Gray too started going on jobs with Juvia now that they were together. She wanted to spend more time with him and Gray would feel guilty denying her. In the end, she was his girlfriend and he should be spending more time with her, right?

He swallowed and opened his eyes, catching the way the swarm of dragonflies flew low in the sky, their wings shimmering in the sunlight.

_Rain._

“Gray-sama,” a soft voice called and broke his reverie.

***

“Gray-sama.”

Gray turned around to see Juvia walking towards him, her clothes tattered and covered in wounds just like everyone else. Behind them, the people of Fiore roared in celebration at the defeat of Acnologia and crowded around the Dragon Slayers who have finally returned.

“Juvia, are you alright?” he asked as his gaze fell over the new scar on her side. “Shouldn’t you be lying down?”

“Juvia…” she began nervously, her fingers fidgeting and eyes set on the ground. “Juvia wanted to ask something from you. She knows it is not the best time but…does Gray-sama has a moment right now?”

Gray noticed the hesitancy, the shyness and the slight blush on her cheek.

_Oh._

In the distance, someone called Natsu’s name, and by the loud yelp proceeded by a thud, he figured it must be Erza crushing him in her ‘caring’ embrace. He was on his way to find him when he saw the seven blurring figures falling from the ripped fabrics of the sky like shooting stars.

There were things to be said and proper apologies to be made, but at the heart of it all, Gray wanted to go and check if he was okay.

He just wanted to go and see Natsu.

_He must be fine. There are other people who will take care of that, hothead._

He let his thoughts come back to Juvia.

_I will give you an answer once the war is over, he had told her._

Truth be told, he hadn’t decided on an answer even then. All he knew was that Juvia deserved a final clarification. They had danced around their words and actions for a long time and now was the time to put a halt to it.

And now here she was, standing in front of him, waiting for that answer which he didn’t even himself know.

Gray slowly nodded, “Yeah, I have time. Let’s talk,” and she beamed at him.

Dusting off the scrapes from the planks in the rubble, they sat down and Juvia finally looked up to meet his gaze.

_There is no beating around the bush now._

“So, I guess this is about where the question of us stands?” Gray asked.

“Juvia has been waiting for Gray-sama’s answer all this while. Does…does he accept Juvia’s love?” she asked finally.

As the question escaped her lips, the heaviness of it made Gray realise the reality of it. The finality.

His gaze met hers and it made him think of the devotion she had always held within it. The sincerity with which she has always looked up at him. Juvia was bright and radiant ever since he had fought her during the Phantom Lord war.

_“You’ve shown me the sun,” she had whispered._

Gray knew what it was like to have your darkness sealed; to be shown the light. He was happy for her. He was glad that she found a place where her true self can bloom; where she would be accepted as she was.

Ever since then she had looked up to him as if _he_ was her sun. Juvia wasn’t a subtle person and had declared her feelings for him openly all this time, Gray knew that. What he didn’t know if he could live up to her expectations; whether he really was the person she thought him to be.

His mind flashed to the ongoing war a few hours ago. Juvia’s pale body laid still on the ground, the lightness of her skin contrasting the dark red blood pooling around her. Bile rose in his throat as he remembered holding her cold, lifeless body.

_“I am sorry, I am sorry, please wake up, Juvia. I’ll take your feelings more seriously. Wake up—” he had cried holding her in his arms, begging her to come back. He was filled with sadness, anger, darkness and this raw hurt because how many people have lost their lives to save him._

_Come back, he had whispered. Please._

Around them, the wind blew softly and Juvia’s bright blue hair flew with it. She watched him hopefully and he felt guilt spreading inside him.

_I have to keep my end of the deal too._

He closed his eyes, swallowed the bitterness of his emotions and slowly started, “Juvia, I don’t know what feeling you have towards me—”

“Juvia truly loves Gray-sama! Her heart fully belongs to him,” she interjected.

“Let me finish,” he told her, his gaze stern and resolute which mellowed her down a bit. If this was going to happen, he needed to be clear and true to her.

“I don’t know what you feel but I have to tell you that I do not feel the same. I love you just the same way I love Erza or Lucy or any of our friends. I respect your feelings and I thank you for them but this is the truth.”

A few grey clouds crawled across the blue sky and the soft breeze turned cooler.

Juvia’s lips quivered, her hands shaking slightly as she asked, “Is-is this Gray-sama’s final answer? Won’t you give Juvia a chance?”

A few drops fell down the sky.

“No,” he said. Taking a deep breath, he stared at his joined hands on his knees and continued, “This is not my final answer. If you are up for it and it really is okay with you, I am willing to give our relationship a try.”

From a distance, someone called his name.

He looked up in her glassy eyes again and tears were falling from them. She looked at him, shocked and surprised, and then her face broke into a smile. “Gr-Gray-sama,” she cried and hugged him. “Thank you. Juvia will give all the love she has within her to you.”

His hand hovered over her back and then he slowly hugged her back.

“Aha! There you are, Ice Que—”

Gray lifted his head from Juvia’s shoulder to see Natsu standing beside them, the sun glowing behind him in the blue stretch of sky.

***

Juvia smiled at him and said, “Juvia has bought the groceries, lunch will be ready soon.”

Gray tried to reflect the smile but missed it by many miles. He stood up from the porch and followed Juvia inside the house.

He busied himself in keeping away the groceries as the water mage set the pan on the stove.

“Juvia is excited for Summer Festival tonight! She went with Lucy yesterday to buy a yukata. Gray-sama will go with her tonight, right?” she asked, chopping off the vegetables.

“Yeah, sure,” Gray nodded and walked off the counter to help her cook the rice.

They worked quietly, only the sound of frying and boiling resounding in the silence. At last, Juvia put the ladle away and faced him. “Is something bothering Gray-sama?”

He turned to look at her, surprised at the sudden inquisition. “What? No.” He could feel the tightness in his chest again.

Her eyes searched his face, unimpressed by his answer. “Gray-sama has been off for a few days. Juvia can see it. He knows that he can tell her anything, right?”

 _Not this_ , he thought. “Of course. I know. But it’s nothing, maybe I have just been tired lately.”

Juvia bit her lip and looked away, leaving Gray confused. They took the food to the dining table and settled down. The water mage smiled at him and proceeded to talk about the festival as they ate their food. He tried to put aside his thoughts and indulge in the conversation.

“—that reminds Juvia, Erza-san has called Gray-sama to help her with a few preparations around the town.”

“What, now? Alright, I should better get going then,” he said, putting away the dishes in the sink.

“Wear a shirt before you go.”

“Ah, damn. Where did it go now?” Gray sighed and Juvia laughed.

Her laughter was bright and he wished that he could be radiant for her too. He wanted to make her happy.

She walked and wrapped her arms around him, face inching closer and lay a soft kiss. “Juvia can make Gray-sama’s sadness go away.”

Something in him ached at hearing this.

He kissed her back and then went away to find Erza. Trying hard to not think of the bitterness and burning on his lips.

Outside, the world bathed in gold, the summer sun scorching its skin.

***

“This sucks, it’s hot outside. All of this is your fault,” a thirteen-year-old Cana grumbled to Gray and Natsu. “You both could have said that you have eaten her cake.”

“But we _didn’t_ eat her cake!” Natsu exclaimed. “Not me, at least. Don’t know about this popsicle.”

Gray scowled. “I didn’t eat it either, porcupine head. Are you that dumb? It was Mirajane, she said it herself.”

“What did you call me, Ic—"

“I don’t care,” Cana cut him off. “At least that way she would have beaten you two and got over it. Now those two fighting inside have driven us away.”

The three of them were forced to come out of the guildhall to ensure their safety by not getting caught between Erza and Mirajane’s fight. Cana sighed and stretched her legs in the grass. She craned back her neck when she heard footsteps approaching and saw Levy.

“Welcome to the club,” she waved and called her.

“Out here because of the war between the monsters?” Natsu asked.

Levy nodded and opened her book, settling down next to them. “It got too loud to read inside.”

“What’s it about?” Cana asked, poking the book.

“Insects and their symbolism,” Levy replied. “They are fascinating!”

“They are gross,” Natsu frowned.

“No, they are not!” Levy protested.

“The idiot is talking about himself,” Gray snorted. “Maybe they are his kin or something.”

“You want to fight right now, ice block?” Natsu asked, flames dancing on his fist.

“NOT NOW!” Cana exclaimed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Just keep quiet and let us have some peace.”

The boys grumbled but toned their bickering to a few silent kicks now and then.

Gray stared at the sky above them, white clouds slowly floating away.

“That cloud looks weird,” Cana said, pointing to a particular. “It looks like…” she thought for a moment, “Like two dragonflies mating.”

All of them barked out laughter when Gray asked, still chuckling, “Where did you get that from?”

“Why? What does it look like to you?" Cana asked.

"It looks like a dragonfly curled on itself and licking its tail to me," Natsu giggled.

"How?" Gray snorted.

"It just shows you have no imagination and are no fun, droopy eyes."

"Did you know that dragonflies are actually the first insects to inhabit Earthland," Levy said, reading from her book.

"You mean they are as old as dragons?" Natsu asked, awed.

Levy nodded. "Yes! And fossils also show that they used to be as big as the wingspan of 30 inches."

"So those big dragonflies can fly us up if we hold onto them like a balloon?" the dragon slayer asked excitedly.

"I really doubt that, flame brain," Gray said dryly.

"It's written that having flown for a thousand years, they symbolise the ability to overcome from hardships and to reconnect with our strength."

Gray stared at the clouds again, imagining and finding the shape of the dragonflies.

 _Reconnect with our strength, huh?_ he thought and continued to listen to Levy as she talked about what they meant.

***

Natsu eyed Gray and Juvia and then looked away, scratching his head with his finger, “Um…sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

That reminded Gray that he and Juvia were still holding each other. He then backed out. “N-No, it’s fin—”

“Gray! Juvia! We were looking for you,” Erza said, walking towards them with Lucy.

“Are you guys okay?” Lucy asked. “Juvia, you should get yourself checked again and lie down.”

“Yeah, you should go ahead with them,” Gray told the water mage.

“You too, Gray,” Erza said to him as she helped Juvia to stand up. He nodded to her and waited for the girls to head towards the infirmary before turning to Natsu again.

“She is right,” Natsu said, pointing to the wound gauzed in ice at Gray’s side. “You should go with them. I don’t think it should be covered with ice for this long.”

Gray snorted. “Like you’re the one to talk, flame brain. Among all of us, you are the one who needs rest the most.” He looked at the dragon slayer who was covered in wounds all over, his right hand scorched up and burnt.

“I am way stronger than you, ice block,” Natsu grinned. “Want a piece of me?”

Gray sighed and shook his head. “Another time, hothead. I…need to apologise to you first about…” he gestured toward Natsu’s burnt arm and his half-frozen one. “I let my emotions get the better of me. I wanted to blame someone for my parents and Ur’s death. END was my escape. I-I never wanted to hurt you.” _Not like this. Never like this._

“I think we had already cleared that part. It sucked and we were too filled with rage to think clearly. I am sorry about it too,” Natsu replied. Gray could see the guilt reflecting in his eyes too. He still remembered the shock in Natsu’s eyes when Erza stopped them. He looked disgusted with himself before both of them collapsed on the ground.

“But this…this isn’t what you should apologise for,” Natsu said as he regarded the ice mage.

_Ah._

_Lost Iced Shell._

_“_ Yeah, um; about that…” Gray trailed off. What was there to say anyway? He was filled with guilt when he found out that he was going to kill Natsu. He was filled with pain and fury when he found out that if they somehow kill Zeref, Natsu would die too.

It was the only way to save him. He wasn’t going to let his best friend die.

“Whatever you are thinking, stop it. It will be hypocrisy on your part,” Natsu said, his voice heavy. “You promised that you won’t use that spell again. I don’t know whether you realised this but you almost _died_ today, Gray,” he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And not just died, you fucking tried to _erase_ yourself; your entire existence. Gods, where do I even begin? How the hell do you even know such a spell?”

An unsettling feeling spread across Gray’s chest, the bitterness forming in his mouth when he whispered, “Avatar.”  
  
The memories of it were still sharp in his heart and pierced him. He didn’t want to recall the darkness of that time; the feeling of utter hopelessness and constant pain.  
  
Natsu’s eyes soften when he looked at him, his shoulders slumping down in weariness. He took a step forward and gently took Gray’s hand which surprised him. “I meant it when I said that I don’t want you to die on me.”

Gray was still surprised at the gesture and its tenderness when Natsu closed the distance between them, enveloping him in his warm and strong embrace. It's then the ice mage realised that the dragon slayer was crying.

“Nat…su,” Gray said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

“You _promised_ , Gray. You broke your promise,” Natsu cried. “We care about you so much, you can’t give up on yourself like that every time. Dammit, why do you do this? Wh—what made you to even learn a spell like that? You can’t throw your life away for everyone else.”

Gray didn’t realise the burning in his eyes giving way to the hot tears rolling down his face.

_What made you to even learn a spell like that?_

He was gripping the dragon slayer tightly now, a choked sob working its way out of his throat. He was suddenly all glass and fragile. Broken.

Because the truth was that the pain which he had always carried within him burst open in Avatar. He was all darkness and shattered fragments which sliced his chest with every horrible deed he was made to do to gain the trust of the dark guild.

While the reason was to defeat Zeref and save Natsu, giving himself up was easy because he hated what he had turned into.

Natsu held him closer and said, “You are not alone. You belong to Fairy Tail and this fact will never change; we will _always_ be here for you, Gray. Please _please,_ don’t ever give up on yourself like that again. Don’t you understand? I don’t want to forget you. You have always been such an important part of our lives. We need you as much as you need us. We love you, Gray. We always will.”

And just like, all the shards sliced through his heart till he bled and crumbled down. He was grief and rage and sadness, but gods—he was this raw fucking rending _pain._ Everything hurt as he let his dams open and flooded all over the place.

He was crying out loud now, nails digging deeper in Natsu’s skin.

“It’s going to be okay, Gray,” he whispered to him.

And a little part of Gray wanted to believe that; he wanted to believe in Natsu’s words just like he always had. He wanted to believe that his large existence and the light he always carried within him will be enough to take him out of his darkness again.

_“You are a part of Fairy Tail—the guild which doesn’t know the meaning of stop. So, don’t mope around,” Natsu had said to Gray when the ice mage laid defeated on the ground after his fight with Lyon on Galuna._

Natsu has always believed in him; knew that Gray was strong, and together they have always pushed each other to overcome their limits.

He wanted to believe in himself too.

_“The eyes of the dragonfly are one of the most amazing and awe-inspiring sights,” Levy had told them that day. “Since they can see in all 360 directions and almost all their brainpower is dedicated to sight, it symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self; going past self-created illusions and grow.”_

Gray wanted to change and grow too.  
  
***

It came as a surprise to most of the people when Gray and Juvia revealed their relationship to everyone after the war. Many people nodded and approved, said that it is good Gray finally got his act together and admitted his feelings for her. It was natural for a war to surface the deeper emotions inside of people. Alvarez must have been the final push, they remarked and gave their congratulations to the new happy couple.

Juvia was in bliss. Gray tried being happy for her.

_“It will take time,” he had told her. “As I said earlier, I do not feel the same yet, but I am willing to give us a try.”_

Not all people were so sure about their sudden revelation. Gray went to his teammates' table along with Juvia at his side. They looked at him before Juvia locked her arm in his and said, “Juvia and Gray-sama are dating now!”

Gray’s eyes regarded their faces, but for some reason, his gaze stopped on Natsu when Juvia finally gave out the news. The dragon slayer looked back at him, their eyes meeting. He looked…surprised? Shocked? There was something else in his eyes which he couldn’t understand. He was still staring at him as if waiting for the confirmation from _him._

Gray blinked and looked away. Shifting uncomfortably under Natsu’s gaze, he said at last to Lucy and Erza with a weak smile, “Yeah, we are.”

“Congratulations, droopy eyes! Didn’t think that someone could fall hard enough for you icicle to notice.”

To everyone’s surprise, it was Natsu who broke the awkward lingering silence. Gray lifted his head to see the signature grin on the dragon slayer’s face. He didn’t miss the faltering edges and the hollowness of that smile.

That served as the factor for dawning realisation on the girls and they followed with their regards.

Juvia beamed and thanked them, leaving a quick kiss on Gray’s cheek before excusing herself to the bar.

“I remember that I have to go and help with the reconstruction in the northern area,” Natsu said, standing up from his seat. His shoulder brushed against Gray’s as he passed by him. The ice mage frowned at the heaviness in the dragon slayer’s voice.

“Gray,” Erza said after Natsu left. She eyed him for a moment and then sighed.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you sure about this?” Lucy asked, biting her lip. “I think we all know what your feelings always have been regarding Juvia.”

“I know,” he replied, playing with the chain of his necklace. “But maybe I was dodging it all this time without giving her a fair chance.”

“You know you aren’t required to fall in love with her, right? It’s not something you _have to_ do. Feelings don’t work like that,” Erza said.

“I am still trying, Erza. I owe it to her; this is the least I can do.” _I watched her_ ** _die._**

“Just remember, Gray, if things don’t work out, it’s okay,” Lucy said.

“Staying in an unhappy relationship will hurt you _both_ ,” Erza replied.

The ice mage nodded to them, their words echoing hollowly in his mind. He looked up to see Juvia laughing with Gajeel at the bar. His gaze met with Cana’s who was sitting beside her. The card mage only tilted her head to the side, a stern expression on her face.

Okay so maybe not everyone was happy with his decision and they probably have their reasons, but Gray knew that if he would just try harder, things would simply work out.

Right.

Right?

***

Gray was still worried about Natsu’s odd behaviour.

The dragon slayer had left after their last conversation and it has been two days since Gray has seen him. Their relationship has never been driven much by words and they have always preferred fists and kicks. Whatever the heaviness he had felt yesterday between them, he wanted to clear it up.

Gray strolled through the forest, taking a shorter route to his apartment when he saw Natsu coming from the other side. The dragon slayer went stiff when he saw the ice mage. Gray frowned.

“Where have you been, flame brain? Lucy wanted to take a job because her rent is due.” It was not a lie. Lucy did want to but she had said that they can wait a little longer.

“Uhm, I went on a job; came in yesterday morning to take it,” Natsu replied, playing with his scarf.

“Alone?” Gray asked.

“More money for me?” Natsu tried to smile but it did not reach his eyes. “It was a small errand anyway.”

Gray took a deep breath. “Natsu, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, popsicle. It was just one job. Missed me that much?” he tried to play it off but it was all shallow and it only pissed off Gray more.

“You have been ignoring me, flame brain, and I want to know the reason,” he snapped.

Natsu froze, his muscles tensing and flaring.

“Don’t think of yourself this highly, ice block,” Natsu snorted. “Getting a girlfriend has finally gotten to your brain.”

“Okay, that’s it. If you won’t tell me then I am going to beat it out of you,” he seethed and made a grab for Natsu’s wrist.

And on instinct, the dragon slayer whirled around to punch him on his face but Gray dodged it.

“What the hell is your problem, Gray?” Natsu hissed. “Leave me the fuck alone.” His fist lit themselves on fire and he came in for another attack. Gray tried to raise a shield but the heat melted it away; Natsu’s blow caught him in the stomach.

“You—” Gray spat, trying to breathe, “—are the problem. Stop behaving like this and tell me what the hell is wrong with you.”

He shot an ice lance at him, the grass beneath them turning into frost as it sliced through it. Natsu leapt higher and sent a blow of fire at him.

“I want to ask you the same question, bastard,” he growled.

“What do you mean?” Gray asked as his ice exploded into the dragon slayer’s attack.

“Juvia,” Natsu snapped.

_Oh._

Because of course, as oblivious Natsu seems to be, he has always been good at reading Gray with frightening accuracy. He must have not known that it was _Gray_ who had agreed to go out with Juvia.

“I know you’re looking out for me but I need to do this, Natsu,” he replied, as the dragon slayer plunged at him, catching him off-guard and both of them fell on the ground.

Above him, Natsu seemed angrier than ever. “That’s bullshit and you know it. This is not something which you _need_ to do.”

“If I can make someone else happy then why shouldn’t I?” Gray retorted. He was getting exhausted by the same explanation he has to give everyone.

“Not at the cost of your own happiness!” Natsu exclaimed.

“She loves me, Natsu, and maybe if I would take her seriously, something in me will start to feel the same way.”

“Oh, so someone loving you is enough for you? Is it fair to _you_?”

Gray gaped at him, his eyes widened in shock.

Was it fair to him?

The truth was that he had always been afraid to open his heart to anyone. It was locked in his ribcage; closed and sealed so that the ripped edges of its shards cannot hurt anyone.

He has his family and friends at Fairy Tail whom he can trust. He had never thought about wanting someone else before because who would even be able to bear someone like him?

But didn’t Juvia come to love him in a way he hadn’t thought about before? Didn’t it count for something? Hadn’t he hurt her enough by saying no all this time?

“I don’t know about that, Natsu…” he trailed off. “I think I have caused enough pain already. If there is something I can do right, I will do it.”

Natsu gripped his collar tighter and yelled, “This is not enough!”

Something dark crawled in Gray’s chest, nerves snapping; his fist frosted itself in ice and he punched the dragon slayer’s in the sternum. “Why does it have to be fair?” he snarled.

“It is not as if someone else is going to love me like her anyway,” he added hollowly, not recognising his own words. “So why not take what I can get, huh? This way it is me who will be selfish. Not her.”

_I don’t deserve someone anyway._

Because no matter how hard one tries, not all parts can be mended at once. Even though Gray wanted to change and grow past his illusions; even though he was really _trying_ , there would always be pieces of him that would believe otherwise. He doesn’t know how long it would take him to heal those parts.

Natsu’s muscles deflated. “Oh,” he said at last.

He didn’t look angry.

Just…empty and exhausted.

Gray exhaled a repressed breath. He didn’t know if what he just said was something he really believed. But Natsu has always been there to beat the sense out of him whenever he had slipped. He expected the dragon slayer to retaliate the hit.

He had _hoped._

But Natsu only pushed himself up back on his feet from where the blow landed him.

“Right,” he swallowed and turned his back towards Gray, walking away. “I am sorry for this blowout. See you tomorrow in the guildhall, snowflake.”

Fingers trembling, Gray stared at Natsu’s retreating figure till he disappeared. His heart dropped in fear and he could only think: _why, Natsu?_

***

Gray reached the guildhall where he saw the preparations for the festival going on. Mirajane was carrying out the decorations when she noticed Gray and called him. “Erza wants you in the back to help her take the boxes to the town.”

He nodded and went to the back entrance. A scatter of boxes and decorations lay there with Erza rummaging through them.

“Natsu, take these too—” she said and turned back to see him. “Ah, Gray. Where did Natsu go?”

“He and Happy went to the stalls that have already been set up,” Lisanna said as she came to pick up the things.

“That boy has the attention span of a goldfish, I swear,” Erza sighed, her hands on her hips.

Gray snorted. A small part of him was happy that the dragon slayer wasn’t present. He didn’t know if he was prepared to see him right now.

“So, what do I need to do?” he asked the requip mage.

“Those boxes over there, I need you to carry them to Lucy. She is near the town centre with Freed and Cana,” she replied.

Gray bent down to lift the pile but they weighed him down immediately to the ground. “What the hell is in them? Rocks?” he asked and opened the lid of one of them to look inside.

Arching an eyebrow in confusion, he took out a helmet and examined it. It had wing-like structure made out of blade on the sides with golden round eyes in the front. “What is this?” he asked, running a hand through the iron and wood texture.

Erza turned around to see and smiled, “Haven’t seen it in a while. It’s a helmet which was used by the higher-ranked soldiers during historic times. They used to embellish their helmets in structural forms so that they can be located easily and reflect their collective battalions.”

“But why is it shaped like an insect?”

She looked at him surprised. “It’s a dragonfly. Not only they have always been a relevant part of Fiore’s culture, but they are also known as the ‘victory insect’ or _Kachimushi_.”

Intrigued and awed just like when he first heard Levy talk about them years ago, he asked, “Victory Insect?”

Erza nodded and continued. “Our ancestors believed that the dragonfly does not fly backwards, but always advances and never retreats. They continue to face forward with vigilance.”

“But they can fly backwards,” he interjected.

“I know. And although they were wrong about that part, dragonflies are still associated with bravery because of their hunting prowess and graceful agility of their flight.”

Gray was staring at the ground, he was mulling over her words when she said, “I think it all works out at the end. They are few of the only insects who can fly backwards and it only adds more beauty to their strength.”

He could almost hear her saying, _sometimes it’s okay to fly backwards._

He lifted his head to see her smiling softly at her. He swallowed and averted his gaze. He coughed and said, “I’ll take these away then.”

He took at the boxes and made his way out of the entrance when she called, “Did you talk to Natsu yet? He will be leaving for another mission tonight.”

“I did a week ago at the guildhall when he came back,” he replied without turning back.

“Gray,” she said and the softness in his voice hurt for some reason, making him turn to face her. “I don’t know what exactly is going on between you two, but…it is going to be okay.”

He spun back on his heel and walked away, ignoring the lump forming in his throat and the sudden dizziness.

 _Victory Insect,_ his mind quietly echoed.

***

When Gray entered the guildhall, it was roaring in laughter and celebration just like the usual. Juvia was out on a job with Levy and Gajeel and he decided to get his dinner in the guild. It’s then when someone barrelled into him.

“Watch where you are going,” he hissed and slowly lifted himself.

“I can say the same for you, ice princess.”

Eyes widened in shock at the voice, Gray looked up to see Natsu massaging his temple. “Nat…su.”

“How have you been, popsicle?” Natsu asked, grinning.

_Ache._

There was this ache tightening in Gray’s chest at the familiarity of this bubbly voice and smile. Pink hair wild and tousled up, his green eyes watched him calmly.

“When did you get back?” the ice mage asked.

“Yesterday. I crashed at Lucy’s because I was exhausted as hell and my house is still a mess right now,” he laughed.

Gray realised how much he has missed this carefree laughter. Natsu was a large part of his life; he was warm and comfortable and safe. Seeing him after months made him both happy and sad. Knowing that for some reason they are not as close as they used to be, hurt him. Because in the end, Natsu was Gray’s best friend and he cared for him.

“Where are you going right now?” he asked, hands buried deep in his pockets.

“Home,” Natsu replied. “Was kind of tired.”

“Oh,” Gray replied, trying to shove down the disappointment from his voice. “Well, it’s good to see you back.”

He walked through the threshold of the hall, brushing past the dragon slayer when Natsu called, “Would you like to have a drink?”

Gray turned back and saw Natsu smiling at him.

“Sure, flame brain,” he replied, his lips curling into a smile of his own.

o-o-o

“Wait, _what_?” Lucy burst out, her shoulders shaking and Gray choked on his drink.

“I am serious. It was not funny!” Natsu said, trying to contain his own laughter and feigning indignance. “I was in the bar and was wearing a cloak but not its hood. It has been months since I last cut my hair so they were tied in a ponytail. This girl who was _clearly_ drunk—mind you— came in and started flirting with me. She kept on talking how pretty my pink hair is and then—”

He let a chuckle slip and Gray found himself laughing, still waiting for the punchline. “—I politely declined her advances and told her that I am very much gay and only into guys. The next thing you know she sits up straight and distances herself, only saying a disappointing, ‘oh’. And I thought that—”

“She is homophobic,” Lucy interjects.

“Exactly. She looked nervous and uncomfortable, so I decided to ignore her but then she said, ‘I uhm…I am sorry’, and I said that it’s fine but then she interrupted, ‘No, I-I thought you were a girl…’”

Lucy’s laughter doubled and Gray joined her, slapping his hand on the table.

“Well, Natsu, you indeed are very pretty, though,” she said. “I should have hit on you when I had the chance.”

“Damn you guys,” Natsu said, but the grin he was biting down now turned into a peal of full-blown laughter.

This feels nice, Gray thought. It felt like older times; sitting together like this with people comfortable with and laugh carelessly. His eyes met Natsu’s who grinned at him and Gray returned it. It felt like home.

“Gray-sama!”

The ice mage raised his head to see Juvia standing on the door frame of the hall. Beside him, he felt Natsu going stiff.

“Juvia? You are back early,” he remarked and slowly stood up from his seat.

“Yeah,” she replied and walked towards them. “The job didn’t take as long as we thought it would.”

She beamed at him and then her eyes fell on the dragon slayer. “Natsu-san! When did you return?”

“Hey, Juvia. I came back yesterday,” Natsu said, smiling and waving at her. All happy and natural.

Gray sighed. He still doesn’t know what to with this lingering heaviness between all of them.

“Gray-sama,” the water mage said, “Can you go and take Juvia’s bag from Levy-san? Juvia has to go and report to the master and then we can go home.”

Gray nodded and went outside where Levy greeted him and gave the bag.

When he came back to the hall, he made his way back toward Lucy and Natsu. He spotted them right where he left them, but he stopped abruptly when he heard Lucy’s voice cut through the other noise.

Natsu’s head was buried in his arms on the table and she asked him, “Natsu, for how long will you keep doing this?”

“I don’t know, Luce. Maybe as long as it takes to realise that he really is with someone now, and that someone is never going to be me.”

Gray swallowed, unsure whether he should eavesdrop on their conversation like this.

“Well, maybe it’s time that you move o—”

“Don’t you get it, Lucy?” Natsu interrupted, suddenly sitting upright and looking at her.

“I can’t move on from him. No, wait. I _don’t_ want to move on from him. Even though…” he trailed off.

Gray’s body stiffened. Even from standing behind their backs, he could almost see the pained expression on the dragon slayer’s face.

“Even though loving him _hurts_ like hell, I don’t want to get over Gray. Ever.”

Like a big blow to his sternum, Gray felt the air being knocked out of him. Did he hear it right?

Was…was Natsu really in love with him?

“You sure like to inflict pain on yourself, Natsu,” Lucy teased but Gray could hear the sympathy in her voice. “It hurts to see you like this.”

Natsu smiled at her. “I don’t know if other people know this but Gray has different smiles,” he said, his voice filled with fondness. “He always has this ‘I hate the world’ scowl on his face and then there are his usual pasted smiles that are forever there even when he is upset because that jerk never wants others to worry over him. But then he has this genuine smile… this smile which is open and carefree and it fucking makes my heart drop and then shoot up. And all of this makes me wonder whether a small gesture like this should be able to turn me into such a huge mess.”

“Gods, you really do love him, don’t you? Why didn’t you ever tell him?” Lucy asked, biting her lip.

“It’s just…” Natsu ran a hand through his hair in exasperation and then let it down on the table defeatedly. “The years which we spent together are more than we haven’t. I—” he paused, his voice heavy and almost breaking down.

“I love him too much to lose him. H-he doesn’t let many people get close to him. What if my confession freaks him out? What if he gets uncomfortable around me? It would ruin everything. He…he is my constant, Lucy. I have always known Fairy Tail as a place with Gray beside me. I don’t know what I will do without him.”

Behind them, eyes widened in shock, Gray stood there numbly, his fingers trembling.

_I love him too much to lose him._

The world around him spun in rapid motion while a heavy feeling dropped in his stomach. He was aware of his heart beating loudly in his chest. Gulping dryly, he tried to come back to his senses. He slowly took a step backwards, careful of not making a sound.

Eyes shut tight, he turned back on his heel and ran away from there.

Natsu’s words echoed in his mind as he stormed out of the guildhall, all the other noises in the background fading.

 _When?_ He couldn’t stop himself from wondering. _For long has Natsu loved him? How did he not know it?_ ** _Why_** _didn’t he see anything?_

As soon as he came out, he bumped into someone.

“Gray-sama?”

He lifted his head to see Juvia looking at him, confusion her concern flickering in his eyes. “Gray-sama, are you alright?”

Juvia.

**Juvia.**

_**Juvia**_.

Juvia who loved him.

Just like Natsu.

Juvia was there, her palm over his cheek, asking him if he was okay. She was pulling him aside over the bench outside, asking if he was hurt. But all her words blurred out as the reality came crashing down on him and he silently stared at her without blinking.

He was with Juvia. He had promised himself that he would try harder for her. Because this was Juvia who was always patient and kind and cheerful. This was Juvia who had this undying devotion and love for him.

He tried hard to shove aside the conversation he had heard just now.

But like a traitor, his mind flashed a glance pink hair and wide sunlight smile.

Closing his eyes again, he let his heart silently break down into pieces and let Juvia take him home.

***

Gray reached his house and opened the door to find Juvia standing in her yukata, her hair tied up neatly in a loose bun.

“How does Juvia look, Gray-sama?” she asked shyly, putting a strand of hair behind her ears.

Gray regarded her pink yukata with flowers imprinted on them and tried to give an honest smile. “You look beautiful.”

She beamed at him, her smile sparkling with a shine which made feel him guilty.

“Gray-sama can get ready and we can go together. Natsu-san and Lucy are supposed to reach there soon.”

Right. Natsu will be there too.

_“He will be leaving for another mission tonight.”_

Gray’s hands suddenly felt clammy, skin tightening. He didn’t know if he was ready to see Natsu yet. He didn’t know what his heart wanted. It was still torn apart in confusion.

He didn’t know _if_ he should even be in confusion. Wasn’t it all clear already?

But Natsu’s open and honest confession has been ruining his mind and heart since a week and he really needed to find closure.

He hummed to Juvia and slowly went to their room, closing the gate behind him. He glanced around to see their bed, the chair on which lied his discarded clothes, the old clock Juvia brought with her. He played the two months he had spent with her in this house, creating this life they were living now.

He remembered the months of their relationship where she had showered him with nothing but love. Juvia was kind, Gray thought. She was kind and beautiful and loyal. Even though her devotion sometimes became too much for him, he cannot say that being with her in this relationship didn’t make him understand her better.

But—

Did Gray love her?

The ice mage thudded his back along the wall and leaned his head to blankly stare at the ceiling.

_“Gray-sama, do you love me?” Juvia had asked her one day when she had kissed him and said the same to him, only to get a guilty smile in return._

_“Juvia,” he had said calmly, “You know I need time.”_

_Under his gaze, she shifted uncomfortable, fiddling her fingers. She lifted her head again, her eyes questioning. “Ca-can Gray-sama ever bring himself to love Juvia?”_

_The question caught him off-guard._ ** _Can_** _he ever love_ ** _her_** _?_

 _No._ ** _Can_** _he ever love_ ** _anyone_** _?_

_Was Gray’s heart even capable of loving someone? To open up to someone else and let all his guards down?_

_Unable to form an answer, he bowed his head and stared at the ground. The silence lingering between stretched too long and then he noticed Juvia’s trembling figure. When he looked up again, he could see her glassy eyes, tears rolling down her face._

_Hands feeling heavy at his sides, he took a sharp breath and stepped closer to her. He wrapped a hand around her and pulled her closer as she broke into sobs._

_He was tired of hurting her again and again and again._

_“I am sorry,” he had said to her. “I will try my best.”_

And Gray was trying.

He was always trying so fucking hard.

And then there was Natsu.

Natsu who had said that he loved Gray.

Natsu who was his best friend. He was an idiot who always fought with him because that’s how they have always made each stronger. He was bright and radiant like the sun, in all the ways Gray was not. Natsu was the light; larger than existence with his loud laughter and wide grins. He was reckless but he always has so much love within him which he easily gave away to people.

His loudness has always been a polar opposite of Gray’s silence. But they have always got together because of their rivalry. It was something they _needed._

Natsu was warmth and fire while Gray was ice and cold to the very core. But the dragon slayer has always managed to melt his ice and let him come out of his shell.

When Gray first came to Fairy Tail, he wanted to be left alone because he thought of himself as bad luck who only hurt the people he got close to. But Fairy Tail soon became his family and drop by drop, he let some of the ice around his heart melt.

And then came Natsu Dragneel who burst open all his guards by knocking them down.

When Deliora crumbled down in front of him, it was Natsu who held him as he cried.

Being with him has always felt warm and safe. Natsu was his constant.

Natsu was…home.

Gray’s eyes widen in shock and realisation.

Natsu was the strong pillar in his life who let him fall down, only to encourage him to stand back up again. In Gray’s lonely world, Natsu was that shout into the void; someone who didn’t run away even when things got bad. He _stayed_.

Gray has always believed that he was broken. His heart was sealed so that the sharp edges cannot hurt anyone. Natsu didn’t come and fix the brokenness. He just told Gray that he is strong despite all the shattered past he carried within him. He made a part of Gray believe that he can okay.

Something fell in his open palm and Gray looked down to see the tears slowly rolling down his face.

 _I love him,_ he said to himself.

Hurt and exhausted, he sank down on the floor, drawing his knees to his chest.

Suddenly, like a thousand nights colliding the dawns at once, the realisation hit him.

_‘“It is not as if someone else is going to love me like her anyway,” he added hollowly, not recognising his own words. “So why not take what I can get, huh? This way it is me who will be selfish. Not her.”_

_I don’t deserve someone anyway.’_

This was what he had said to Natsu that day during their fight.

He had never thought that he deserved someone. He had never thought that someone else besides Juvia can ever love him.

Because Gray Fullbuster has always been in love with Natsu Dragneel and never once in his lifetime he had thought that he can get the love in return. That he deserved the love in return.

It felt as if his whole life, a part of him had been walking through this world trying to find something. Someone.

Like he was measuring everything against that certain someone.

Now that he thought about it, that someone was Natsu.

He doesn’t know when he had started doing that. Maybe years. He doesn’t know when he had started to fall for Natsu. But he knew that this warmth within him has always been there.

And as he realised all this, it _ached_. He never knew that love could come with this _aching_ happiness.

Another thing Levy had told them about Dragonflies that day was,

_“The Dragonfly is iridescent both on its wings and body. Iridescent is showing of different luminous colours that change when light falls at a different angle._

_It symbolises the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing doubts one cast on their own identity.”_

Just like a dragonfly, Gray wanted to fly forward, shedding away the weights of the world.

Wiping the tears with the heels of his palms, Gray laughed tirelessly.

_I love him._

_Just from my heart, more than anything, I love him and that’s all I know._

***

Gray told Juvia.

He had to. Not only it was necessary for him, it was for her too. She deserved better; someone who would love her wholeheartedly. He might not be in love with her but he still loved her like a friend.

Juvia had dropped her handbag, holding the chair to keep herself from falling.

“I am sorry,” he whispered, unable to meet her gaze as she wrapped her arms around herself, eyes glassy.

The silence stretched between them for minutes, her quiet sobs echoing in the room. In _their_ room. In _their_ house.

He could feel that she was trying to hold back; trying to bite the pain that was spilling out of her skin. Juvia has always been strong like that.

A wet chuckle escaped her lips. “Maybe…maybe on some level, Juvia has always known.”

Gray raised his head to see her chewing on her bottom lip, absent-mindedly playing with the hem of her yukata.

“Juvia could see that Gray-sama was always trying so hard for her. She would see him smile gently but his eyes held shadows lurking in them. It always felt like he had his guards up and even though sometimes he wanted to, he couldn’t let Juvia in.”

Her voiced cracked with every word. “For a long time, Juvia had ignored the gnawing feeling settling inside her when Gray-sama used to look at her but she could see someone else in his eyes; like a part of him which she was trying so hard to get hold of was unreachable. It felt like she could spend her life chasing it but will never be able to grasp it.”

She let out dry laughter, wiping the tears rolling down. “But Juvia is selfish, you know? She wanted to keep Gray-sama all to herself. After all this time, he was finally hers and she didn’t ever want to let him go. It hurt to see this but she knew that letting him go would hurt a thousand times more.

“Juvia wasn’t ready for that. All…all this time which she had spent with Gray-sama made her fall deeper for him and she realised that maybe the feelings she had for him before were only on the surface. But then-but then Juvia saw this kinder side of Gray-sama who loved his family. This Gray-sama who had saved Juvia from her rain and was now ready to give her love a chance.”

Body trembling, Gray could only stare at her, guilt gnawing him from inside.

“Gray-sama, at the end what hurts Juvia the most is that she has been hurting the person she loves the most. Maybe-maybe falling in love does make one blind. Everything was in front of Juvia all this time. The way Gray-sama’s face lights up when he sees Natsu-san—it is like he sees a ray of light which she can never beam for him.”

“I am sorry,” he said again. “I know it sounds hollow but I…I really had no idea.”

Sighing heavily, she let her eyes meet his. Her gaze was painful but determined. “Juvia can understand.” Giving him a soft smile, she said, “It’s because Gray-sama never thought he was worthy of that love. He didn’t want to hurt Natsu-san. Because—

“Because what matters the most to Gray-sama is Natsu-san’s happiness.”

And just like that, a part of Gray broke down. Hearing Juvia say that made thing more real. But hearing her say that also meant that she really did understand what he was feeling because she was doing the same for him.

Taking a hesitant step forward, he gave her an apologetic look and meekly asked, “May I?”

She slowly nodded and gave him a weak smile. He pulled her into a hug and let her cry openly.

After a while, her sobs quieten down and she looked up at him. “Juvia is sorry too. She is sorry that she pushed Gray-sama to an edge where he felt like he had to reciprocate her feelings. Juvia…Juvia now understands that this not how love is supposed to work. I hope he can forgive her.”

“Thank you,” he said, softly. “I am sorry too.”

As they pulled apart, Juvia put the locks of her hair damping on her check behind her ear and smiled softly at him. She still looked pained but a part of her looked visibly relieved. “Juvia heard that Natsu-san is going to leave again tonight?”

Rubbing his neck, Gray replied, “Ye-yeah. Erza mentioned that…” he sighed and ran a hand nervously through his hair.

“Juvia thinks that Gray-sama shouldn’t let him go this time.” Her eyes held pain but fondness too. “She thinks that you both have waited enough.”

Slowly, Gray’s fears dissolved a little. Nodding to her, he said, “Yeah. Maybe it is time now.”

Outside, the clouds roared. They glanced at each other and sniffling again a little, Juvia laughed. “Juvia is sorry. She will try her best but Gray-sama better be quick.”

Giving her one last look and a gentle smile, he ran out of the house to the festival.

_I can do this._

***

“What are you doing here, ice princess?” a voice asked from behind.

Gray turned back and narrowed his eyes to see Natsu standing there.

It was the last day of the summer festival when they were fourteen and they had floated their lanterns in the seas and the rivers, signifying the light that would guide the spirits of the ancestors who come to visit them carried by the dragonflies.

And all of this brought out the pain which Gray had carefully sealed away in his ice. He missed Ul. He hated the fact that no bonfires could guide her to come meet him.

“Go away, flame brain,” he grumbled, closing upon himself more, trying hard to hide the brokenness in his voice.

“Did Erza beat you up in the fight again?” he teased him, hoping to get a reaction.

“I-I said go away. I don’t want to talk to an ash-for-brain like you.”

Huffing in frustration, Natsu turned away and yelled, “Fine.”

As he walked away, Gray finally let out a choked-up sob.

The next moment he heard a loud groan and Natsu came again, stomping, and sat down beside him.

“Don’t you under—"

“Why are you crying, ice block?”

“I-I was…I was not crying!” Gray sputtered indignantly.

“Sure thing, popsicle,” Natsu hummed as he stared at the river ahead.

Damn dragon slayer hearing.

They fell into a silence, hearing the distant noises of the crowd from the festival.

Sighing, Gray finally asked, “Why are you here, Natsu?”

Crossing his legs and pulling them closer, he replied. “Erza told me to go and look for you. She said that she couldn’t find you anywhere.”

“Of course, she would tell you out of all people,” Gray huffed. “You and your dragon slayer senses.”

“Water dampens my sense of smell. It would have been difficult to find you, anyway,” Natsu said, picking out the grass between them.

“Then, how did you?” The ice mage asked dryly.

“Because I come here too when I am sad,” Natsu replied.

Gray turned to look at the dragon slayer who was staring at the sky, his face illuminated by the lanterns floating in the river in front of them.

“I miss Igneel too,” Natsu whispered, eyes green and glowing.

“Not that I think he is dead—no!” he added quickly, shaking his head. “

“Igneel is fine and one day I _will_ find him and will show him how strong I have got,” he said and grinned.

There was something in Natsu’s voice which made Gray both sad and resentful.

Because Natsu always carried this hope inside of him which Gray never could. His wounds were still raw and open and the ice mage understood the pain which comes through being left behind by the ones you loved the most. Gray didn’t know what to do with all this sadness inside of him; how was he supposed to take the weight of the world off his shoulder?

And then there was Natsu who still managed to smile radiantly and didn’t let his feelings damper him for long periods. He had pain in his heart too; wounds that would take forever to heal, but he still laughed openly.

He made Gray wanted to do that too.

“Oh! Let me show you something. I have been practising this for a while now,” Natsu replied, eyes sparkling with excitement.

He faced Gray and opened his palm, a flame lighting between it. The fire grew bigger and spread solely to his fingertips where snowflakes glowed and danced in the flame.

Awing the creation, Gray’s fingers hovered over the tiny snowflakes.

“You can touch them. It won’t burn,” Natsu said.

“As if your tiny fire can burn me,” Gray rolled his eyes.

“No, ice princess. These flames _don’t_ burn. They are not hot.”

“How?”

“Macao told me that I can control my fire. I still don’t know how I am supposed to that, but I am trying and I can control these,” he replied.

The ice mage touched the snowflakes, his fingers unburnt as they passed through them.

Natsu proudly grinned at him and Gray couldn’t help but smile back.

Something warm spread in his chest as he watched Natsu like this.

“I think Igneel will be proud of you when he will see you,” he said, looking over at the dragon slayer to see his face.

He beamed at Gray, his grin getting wider.

Natsu was bright and stupid and reckless as always, Gray thought.

Natsu was beautiful.

***

“Damn, where are these dark clouds suddenly coming from? I hope they won’t rain.”

Gray heard Lucy’s voice through the crowd as he reached the town. On getting closer, he could see Cana and Erza standing with her in between the lights and the stalls.

“Wait, is that Gray running towards us?” Cana asked, arching an eyebrow.

Finally reaching to them, he panted heavily, waiting for his side to stop burning. He had run all the way from his house to here, fearing that Natsu would somehow leave again.

“Are you alright?” Erza asked, frowning at him in concern. “What happened?”

“You are very late. Where is Juvia, Gray? Wasn’t she supposed to come with you?” Lucy said.

“We—I—Juvia—um—” he tried but didn’t know where to begin.

“Okay, I think he is trying to tell us something. How many words and letters, Gray? Do the action and I will try to guess,” Cana said

He glared at her and she chuckled. Running a hand through his face he tried to regain his composure and then asked, “I’ll tell about this later. Where is Natsu?”

“I think he went to try some games over there with Lisanna?” Lucy said. “He was te—”

Gray didn’t hear the rest of what she said and hurried off to the stalls. Glancing around the crowd, he scanned the faces and tried to find the flash of pink hair.

And then, he spotted Lisanna and Happy over the shooting game. He marched to them, his stomach already dropping down when he couldn’t see the dragon slayer. “Lisanna,” he called.

“Gray!” Lisanna exclaimed. “What—”

“Natsu,” he cut her off. “Where is Natsu?”

“He said that he still has to pack for going tonight so he left for home a few minutes ago. He told that he will come back for the lanterns later,” she replied.

“That idiot!” Gray pinched the bridge of his nose. “Running off on his own again every time.”

“Did something happen, Gray?” Happy asked. “Did you two had a fight?”

“Yeah,” the ice mage said softly. “I think it’s time we resolve that.”

“I need to go after him, I will see you guys later,” he said at last and ran off to find the dragon slayer again.

_Damn, Natsu. Where are you?_

***

He found Natsu the same place where he had always found him.

The river.

It has been ages since it has dried up but occasionally it got filled during heavy rains. Natsu was sitting by the bank, staring at the shallow moonlit water.

“What are you doing here, flame brain?” the ice mage asked walking to him.

Natsu looked over at him and pushed himself on his feet. “Gray?”

“Why are you here?” he asked again.

“Ah-I was just on my way home. Thought it would be nice to sit here for a while,” he replied with a grin that didn’t reach his eyes.

Gray allowed himself to finally see the dragon slayer. Even though only a week has passed, it felt like it has been ages since he last saw him. He let his eyes linger a little longer at the deep green eyes looking at him. He let himself take in the sharp curves of Natsu’s face and his wild hair falling over his forehead.

Suddenly, all the pain and weariness returned to him. He had missed Natsu. So much.

“Natsu…” he said, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder. “Why are you leaving?”

The dragon slayer was taken aback by the question. He averted his gaze and his fingers found their way to his scarf. “Um. It’s just a job…I think I will be back in a week or two soon. We can take a mission together then, huh? Yeah, the whole team! It has been a while.”

He tried to smile but failed; darkness lurking in his eyes.

Gray didn’t know where to begin. He has so much to say to Natsu but now that he was in front of him, he didn’t know what was to be said. All the words dried up and dusted away.

He bit his lip, fists clenching at his side. There was a constant pain inside of him that wanted to scream out. Even though Natsu was standing in front of him right there, he felt far away. Closing his eyes, he let himself feel the burn behind them.

“No,” he began again, “Why are you _always_ leaving? It-it feels…it feels as if I am chasing you and whenever you are inches away from me, almost in my grasp, you run away again. I am tired, Natsu.”

Lips parted; the dragon slayer only stared at him intently. “Gray…”

“You left me. You are the only person whom I can rely on without being hesitant; the only one to whom I have shown all of my vulnerabilities because I knew that you won’t think that I am weak. Bu-but then you left just like that, leaving these open wounds,” he croaked, fingers trembling. “Without you, I didn’t know what to do with all this gnawing loneliness inside of me.”

Gray sighed and looked at Natsu, anger and devastation spreading in his chest. “You gave up on me, and it _hurt_.”

“Why are you—saying all these things—” Natsu sputtered.

“Because I heard you and Lucy talking the other day at the guild, Natsu. I didn’t mean to but I was coming back and…I heard your confession.”

“ _Oh,_ ” Natsu whispered. He looked down, staring at the ground. “I-uh…” a wet chuckle escaped from him. “Wow, um. I don’t know what to say.”

“Natsu—”

“Look, nothing has to change, okay?” he interjected hoarsely. “We are still friends an-and everything will stay the same. Yeah.”

“But nothing is the _same_. Look at us, flame brain. This is not how we used to be,” the ice mage said.

“Gray…” Natsu inhaled sharply. Gray noticed that the dragon slayer was shaking too. “I-I need to go now. Maybe we can talk about it when I’ll return or maybe there is nothing to even talk about. You’re with Juvia now and I am happy for you.”

He looked crushed and defeated. He moved to push past the ice mage, but anger flared in Gray and he caught Natsu’s shirt, fist gripping and clenching it tightly from behind. He pulled him closer, his sternum pressed against Natsu back and leaned his head on the dragon slayer’s shoulder blade.

“Fuck, Natsu. Stop, _please_.”

He heard the quiet sniffles of Natsu. He was weeping.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Gray said, “Juvia and I…we are not together now.”

“What? Why?” Natsu asked abruptly. He turned around, his hand now holding Gray’s shoulders. “Gray, if this is because of me, I swear I will talk to her. It’s going—”

“No, Natsu,” the ice mage croaked. “ _I_ broke up with her.”

Natsu frowned at him in confusion, eyes glassy and cheeks tear-stained. “Why?”

“Why didn’t you tell me all of this before?” Gray asked.

“I didn’t want to scare you off. I thought things would get awkward and you would not be comfortable around me. I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”

“But you _did_ give up on me. You did push me away,” Gray replied through his blurry vision. Damn, when did he start crying?

Under Gray’s hold, Natsu muscles tensed up. Glowering at the ice mage, he said, “Because that day you told me that it is not as if someone else is going to love you like her anyway. It fucking _hurt_ , Gray. It hurt because I love you so much and could spend a lifetime telling you that but you won’t believe me. Juvia is our friend and our family but I hate that you sometimes become too altruistic and throw away your happiness.”

“Natsu, she threw away her life for me. I saw her _dying_ in my arms—”

“Again, Gray. This guilt is a continuous cycle, but I can understand why you did. It’s just that…” he buried his face in his palms, trying to compose himself. “It just didn’t seem fair. To you _and_ her.”

“I know,” Gray whispered. “I realise that now.”

They stared at each other, tears slowly rolling down their faces. Gray was tired of being scared and letting the moments slip by from his grasp every time. He finally wanted to move out of the fog and feel the warmth.

_Sometimes it’s okay to fly backwards._

Maybe this was what Gray had been doing all along. And maybe it was okay to do that because now he knew about his limits; now he knew what he wanted from life.

After a few moments, Natsu asked, “So is this why you broke up with Juvia?”

And so, just like a dragonfly buzzing with power in its each wing stroke, Gray took his forward flight. Brave and vigilant; continuing to face forward.

He held Natsu’s face in his palms and smiled fondly at him, trying to pour the decade of love buried in his heart into a single sentence. “It’s because I have realised now that I am in love with you, Natsu.”

He felt a thousand time lighter after finally saying it.

He laughed shakily, trying to taste the words now that they were out. “I love you, Natsu.” He did. “So damn much.”

When he looked over at Natsu, he looked like he was about to cry again. “Wh-what?” he asked, staring widely at him.

“You heard me, flame brain. I don’t know how to tell it to you because words have rarely been the way we have communicated. You have always fought me and pushed me to be stronger. You have always trusted me even when I didn’t want to,” he took a shuddered breath. “You are strong and so bright and radiant. I don’t know how you did you fall for someone like me, but you make me want to come out of my darkness.”

Natsu managed a choked laugh and brought a shaking hand to take Gray’s palm in his and gently kissed it. He then smiled softly and whispered, “Don’t you get it, Gray? It’s you. How could I have not fallen for _you_.”

Gray shook his head and smiled through the blur of tears, resting his forehead on Natsu’s.

“When I realised that I loved you, it was almost _painful_ , because we have been with each other for so long that losing you would have meant losing a part of me.

At that moment, Gray knew that he had fallen for the dragon slayer hopelessly. Natsu was entwined in the seams of Gray’s existence and he loved him desperately with everything he had.

Natsu’s thumb gently caressed Gray’s cheek, wiping the tear and then brushed over his jawline as the other hand cupped his face.

Slowly closing the distance between them, they kissed.

Above them, the rain softy fell and the dragonflies soared.

***

Gray wasn’t a morning person.

He was still bitter about waking up at this hour but Erza would have grumbled otherwise because if they have to walk instead of taking a train, they need to get off early.

“Where are they?” he asked Erza.

“Should be here soon,” she replied. “When did he left the house?”

“Dunno,” he yawned. “I was still asleep.”

From a distance, the dragon slayer’s laughter could be heard. Gray lifted his head to see him walking towards them, followed by a half-asleep Lucy.

“Why are we going this early again?” Lucy asked. The ice mage was glad that someone was on the same page as him.

“Look more alive! I finally got Gramps to sanction the 100-year quest request for us!” Natsu exclaimed. “It’s going to be awesome.”

“Gray, tell your boyfriend to be less loud,” the celestial mage complained.

Natsu laughed and walked to him, taking his hand and clasping their fingers together. “Good morning, snowflake.”

Gray’s heart still pounded loudly whenever Natsu touched him. Coughing to hide his blush away, he said, “Morning, sunflower.”

The dragon slayer grinned mischievously at him and kissed his cheek which made Gray’s face feel even hotter.

“You look so cute when you blush,” Natsu laughed. Rich and bright.

“I do not!” Gray exclaimed but couldn’t resist smiling back at him. This was nice; being with Natsu like this. Easy and comfortable.

Home.

“So now that you are dating and are on the same team, we will have to be the witnesses of these sappy PDA?”

Gray groaned and Natsu stuck out his tongue to Lucy who only laughed at his childishness.

In front of them, the sun started to rise higher from behind the trees.

“Let’s get going then,” Erza announced and smiled.

“Yeah, I am all fired up!” Natsu exclaimed lighting his fists.

Pulling the ice mage closer to him, he beamed at him, his eyes holding so much fondness and love in them which made Gray feel so full and warm.

Being with Natsu was a constant adventure and it exhilarated Gray. Loving him made his life brighter and better.

Gray looked at the dragon slayer and he knew that this was what he has always wanted all along.

Because in the end, no matter wherever they would be, Gray knew that all his love come down to Natsu.

This was July, Gray thought. This was July with the drowsy summers and brown storms. It was rainfalls and dragonflies and skies swirling with a thousand colours. It was sunflowers blooming in the fields and the sun beaming brightly.

It was the time of burning with wildfires in your hearts and learning to heal. It was the time of finding the strength and forgiveness in the failures and heartbreaks; to take that sliver of courage inside your heart and flap your wings to fly forwards.

Bravely.

**Author's Note:**

> They are ridiculous. I love them. I think I let Juvia off too easy but this is all I could have done in this setting, I think. 
> 
> The symbolism and the facts shouldn't be taken literally although I have tried my best to do the research and stick to it. The same goes for the Summer Festival whose main elements have been taken from Japan's Obon festival. 
> 
> A big thanks to @oceanwaves for hearing my incessant whining about this fic and re-reading it while giving her constant support and to @ceruleanshockwave for their encouragement while I sprinted. To Mars who sent the request and without whom this piece wouldn't have got written in the first place and for their reassurance that no, dragonflies aren't a trigger for them. (I had to be sure.)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I would really really love to hear your reviews.


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